The other day I got all up in some controversy. I usually try to avoid fights and negativity, except for when it comes to Kenny Chesney. I absolutely refuse to cut that guy a break. His last album was entitled Hemingway’s Whiskey, for goodness’ sake.
You see, I applied for and was accepted to the Community Voices program for the local big city newspaper. I made it clear that I was a humor blogger—even submitting a blog post as one of my essays—but I guess the editor believes that serious news sells better than humor news. The dude published my silly rant about a private school sending teachers to Bali as a sincere letter to the editor.
While composing an email bragging about my publishing feat to the President of the Tall Curly Biscuit Fan Club (my aunt), I looked up the online version of the newspaper opinion section. What a surprise to see that my goofy little piece had 28 negative comments, including some calling me names such as bellyacher and others accusing me of having too much time on my hands. If I wanted to be a lazy bellyacher, I’d try out for a spot on The View.
Y’all, in the last post I told you about a drug addict who uses his bladder as a Human Decanter (guess which body part is the spigot!), and that article didn’t even get 10 comments. Apparently negativity and controversy work better than true and shocking entertainment.
So, I’m gonna dive headlong into some controversial statements so Tall Curly Biscuit can get more buzz.
Controversy 1: Archaeologists in France recently discovered that early humans brewed beer sooner than anyone originally thought. At about the same time, Bulgarian archaeologists found skeletons with iron stakes through their chests. Researchers believe the stakes were used in attempt to prevent the dead from being reborn as vampires. Cool! The French archaeologists need to step it up big-time; they have a long way to go compared to the exciting Bulgarians. Until those Frenchies can come back with news that will inspire spine-tingling novels or movie scripts, they need to put up the shovels and bake us some croissants.Photo credit: traceysculinaryadventures.blogspot.com
Controversy 2: A writer for a local fashion magazine recently praised benefits of raw denim jeans, which are jeans made from virgin, unwashed denim. Apparently they don’t really fit better, but it’s super cool if all the wear on your raw denim jeans comes from you and you alone, like a historical record. The author’s American-made jeans were not acid washed in a Chinese factory—no. They were faded, worn, and tattered by his daily activities, such as biking, working, and browsing his local Nordstrom. Sounds patriotic, right? The embarrassing part for the writer is that he admits—even advises—that raw denim should not be washed for at least a year. And he wears his jeans a lot. His longest relationship is with a seven-year-old pair of jeans that are worn five days a week and washed once per year. To subdue the stench, he occasionally pops them in the freezer overnight to kill the offending bacteria. Might I suggest that’s why his longest relationship is with jeans?
I, too, have some dark jeans that are fading naturally with my everyday activities. They recently acquired a really cool dot pattern at the hems of both legs where roughly a gallon of my child’s vomit forcefully splattered against tile walls and splashed back onto my dark denim, causing an abstract fade design. AND THEN I WASHED THOSE JEANS BECAUSE I’D LIKE TO KEEP MY HUSBAND AROUND.
Controversy 3: Shooting yourself to promote your work is generally a bad idea. An author writing a memoir, Kindness in America, reported to authorities last week that he’d been injured in a drive-by shooting while traveling down a rural Montana highway. After talking to the cops, he begrudgingly confessed that he shot himself. Police think it was a “desperate act of self-promotion.” I occasionally have to indulge in desperate self-promotion, but I think asking you to like Tall Curly Biscuit on Facebook and Twitter is a better idea than shooting myself.
BUT WAIT—Maybe that author got tired of spinning his wheels on Facebook and decided that a shooting would work better. Just like I ditched my usual humor and brought up some serious controversy today. I mean, his shooting and my editorial bellyaching got us both in the paper. I’m going to search my weapons arsenal now.*
*Help prevent a needless Nerf weapon incident: please like Tall Curly Biscuit on Facebook and Twitter, and share this humor blog with your friends! Also, I love your comments—I don’t even care if you call me names as long as one of them isn’t Kenny Chesney.
**Hey, Kenny–I have a really good promotional idea for you. Do you have a gun?
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