Fourth funniest blog on the web

A beautiful, healing cannibalism story of love and life and laughter

Dear Readers,

My daughter ate her own rib meat.

There, I said it.

Yes, she’s a cannibal. I don’t know if cannibalism is illegal, and I’m too scared to search it on the internet. If anything should alarm law enforcement, it’s people researching the legality and logistics of cannibalism.

***Before we go any further, please agree that if my daughter ever runs for president or decides on any kind of future where cannibalism is frowned upon, you never read this story. You will say: “What rib meat? I don’t know any cannibals! But if I did know a cannibal, I would surely give her my vote!”  Thank you.***

Back to the rib meat.

“Why did she eat her rib meat?” Valid question. Because it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

“Speaking of once-in-a-lifetime, is she still alive?” Yes, thank you for asking. She’s healthy and happy.

“How did she eat her own rib meat?” Longer story.

She had to have her top right rib, the small one under the collar bone, surgically removed because of a rare condition called Paget–Schroetter disease.

“There’s a rib under the collar bone? Yes, who knew!?! Unless, of course, you are in the medical field or remember high school biology. Experienced cannibals may also have some anatomical knowledge.

“Why did she have the rib removed?” One of her main veins was kinked between her top rib and collar bone, so one of the bones had to go. The kink caused blood clots (deep vein thrombosis) in her collar bone area last fall. It was kind of a big deal.

“I’m a hypochondriac and think I might have Paget–Schroetter disease. What are the symptoms?” Is one of your arms swollen from the shoulder down? Is your hand or arm blue from a lack of oxygen? Or has it been blue recently? You probably have this rare condition. Go to the emergency room!

“What if I just slept on it wrong?” That’s what I said, along with “eat less salt.” Rookie mistakes! Go to the ER.

“I forgot the point of this blog.” She ate the meat on her rib.

“Oh yeah, that’s kinda gross.” Is it? I mean, it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

“Super weird.” Maybe you have a point. But what did the doctor think she was going to do with it when they let her keep it? It was almost as if they were condoning this.

“Was it raw???” No, that’s where I drew the line. It would’ve been cooler to eat the raw meat (because if you’re gonna do it…), but the rib was at room temperature in salt water for 3 days so we had to cook it. (That’s me! Ignoring my daughter’s blue arm but concerned about food safety for a 3-day old, possibly putrid human rib.)

“Why did you keep it? Why did you clean it? Didn’t the hospital do that?” She wants to make a necklace out of the rib, but, shockingly, spending hundreds of thousands of dollars in medical bills does not buy you a squeaky clean, pearly white rib. It buys you a meaty rib floating in bloody liquid in a pee cup.

“How did you know how to clean it? Have you done this before?” Alaska Fish and Wildlife Commission recommends boiling fragile bones for a short time (in their section on human bones, jk, elk bones). And then I pretended it was a pork rib and went from there. After boiling the rib for about 20 minutes, we scraped off the meat. That’s when she ate a tiny piece before I could even stop her. (I was not going to stop her because BLOG MATERIAL.) But even if I were a better mother…it happened so fast.

And then I soaked the bone in hydrogen peroxide for a few hours. Now it’s beautiful! She can make a necklace, or use it as a dainty utensil to spread goat cheese on crackers. She actually did this just to freak out some neighbors.

“Wow, just wow.” I know. She’s amazing.

rib from Paget–Schroetter disease

This human rib can be used as a utensil! Or a necklace! We take recycling seriously. Hey, the Native Americans did this with buffalo bones, and everyone is all Dances with Wolves.

*Thank the Lord for a happy ending to this story. And for real, don’t ignore a blue and/or swollen limb. While rare, this condition happens more often in youngsters who develop their shoulder muscles, like athletes in volleyball, baseball, softball, or swimming. She wasn’t in any pain at all, so we didn’t realize how serious it was. On Web MD, I skimmed right past the “go to the hospital immediately” section because that never applies to us. Urgent care sent us to the emergency room, where she literally skipped in with her backpack on. One of the nurses described her as “bebopping in with deep vein thrombosis.”

And remember, you agreed to forget about the rib meat thing in case this story becomes inconvenient. “My daughter” could be code for “my dog.”

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2 Comments
  1. ……but what if this gives her the yearning for human flesh?

  2. So funny my ribs hurt!

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