Fourth funniest blog on the web

7 Fake Reasons You Need Stuff from Home Depot or Lowes

At Home Depot or Lowes

Me: “Excuse me, where can I find the _______?”

Helpful store employee: “What do you need it for?”

Me: Thinking that’s a nosy question, but I answer anyway.
“I’m building/fixing/planting/painting/poisoning ­­­_______.”

(Overly) helpful store employee: “Why do you want that product?
Have you considered ______ instead?”

Me: Annoyed, because no one should question the hours of Internet research I’ve devoted to solving this problem.

Yes, this is me with work gloves, a glass of wine and a power drill.

Yes, this is me with work gloves, a glass of wine and a power drill. It was a lovely evening.

My dad HATES to be asked what he’s working on. He’s a construction and mechanic expert who does not need advice. Plus, he considers it an invasion of privacy when someone asks him what he’s building. Is the part in stock or not, buddy?

We came up with a list of ridiculous projects to claim we’re working on the next time a store employee asks. Feel free to use these responses for yourself.

“Why do you need that part?”

1. Give your best crazy eye and exclaim, “Oh, we’re GOING to Mars!”

2. “My dolphins need a bigger cage.”

“You mean aquarium?” 

“No, a cage.”

3. “Umm…have you heard of the book 50 Shades of Grey? I’m building that room.”

4. “Ghost trap. I need a ghost trap — in a hurry.” Be sure to look panicked and use spooky hand gestures with this one.

5. “I’m building a pan to hold the WORLD’S LARGEST FLAN!!!”

6. “My butt has a crack in it.”

7. “I’m a producer for the new reality show Oops! You’re Dead!

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1 Comment
  1. I’m pretty sure that first comment is pure gibberish.

    Anyway, I just discovered your blog a couple days ago and have spent the last few days READING THE ENTIRE THING. Post more! I’m going through withdrawal.

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