When you were little—or maybe yesterday—did you dream of what your stage name would be if you were a Hollywood actor or actress? I remember being surprised when I found out that actors sometimes went by fake names and that it was totally accepted. When I was 10, I fantasized about my Hollywood persona. Stretch pants, cool hats, braces, bigger hair, and the name Tina was what I desired. It was so teenager-y! And it makes for really horrible imagery now.
If I broke a limb, that would be even better for my career because there was nothing cooler than signed casts and, if you were lucky enough, crutches. My BFF and I used to jump out of my grandma’s trees hoping to land wrong and shatter bones, but we were never able to join the ranks of those with plastered arms and legs. It’s so sad when dreams die. If fate had been on my side, I could have been the famous, slightly immobile, Tina McTeenager, living in LA down the street from Molly Ringwald.
This is Tina McTeenager in Los Angeles. See how happy I could have been? For the fake braces, I used wire from the garage. Now I have mouth lesions, but that's how dedicated I am to y'all. Also, I forced my son take this picture, and it finally dawned on me why he doesn't want me to chaperone his activities.
Anyway, no sense dwelling on what could have been. Now in real life I’m involved in a women’s club that puts on fundraisers for charity. I’m even the Communications Chair for the group, which makes me a real fancy-pants. Through the women’s club email address, our group was contacted a couple of weeks ago by a Hollywood TV producer who is casting for a reality show!
Here’s part of the email: (We’re)…developing a new docu-series for a Major Cable Network that will explore the dynamic lifestyles of strong-willed and well-to-do women of the church. These women are known in their community for the work that they do, and most of all for their BIG PERSONALITIES. They throw parties and charity functions, love to socialize and be in the public eye, but no matter what, God, family and their church always comes first! These women are also physically beautiful, and are most likely in their late 20’s to early 40’s.
My first thought: There is no way anybody I know would do this. It sounds so Housewives, and the show will make everyone look like hypocrites. Who wants to be embarrassed on tv? NOBODY. I laughed about it with everyone I saw over the next couple of weeks. And we dared each other to call.
I thought that there was no way I’m trashy enough to do anything like reality tv, and then I was like, “Yes, I am!” And somehow I got talked into calling the producer and telling her I was interested. The conversation was much less salacious than I’d hoped. I wanted her to divulge juicy show details on the phone so I could blog about it, but she was disappointingly normal. I told her up-front that I’m a “silly humor blogger” and “not glamorous,” which were the wrong things to admit if I wanted my chance in Hollywood. She did say that if I could round up several friends in my local area who are interested, that would improve our chances.
By a stroke of fate, my cousin’s phone got messed up yesterday and assigned my picture to another name. On FACEBOOK! That’s so cable-series appropriate! It’s like Hollywood finally spoke to me and revealed the name that will bring me fame:
Stephen Wigley III.
Does this say "serious actress" to you?
So now I have three questions for you:
- What’s your stage name?
- Do you want to be on reality tv?
- What will your trashy reality show catch phrase be?
If there’s one thing we can do together, it might not be solving world hunger or bringing back Full House. But I think we can land this reality tv show, y’all.
With love,
Steven Wigley III
blogger, Facebooker, actress
*Disclaimer: Please don’t Facebook request Steven Wigley III ’cause it’s not me. I have no idea who this guy is. I hope he has a sense of humor, though.
**Update to this post: Just to clarify, I’m not really going to try out for this reality tv show. I thought that proclaiming my stage name as Steven Wigley III would have made that obvious, but certain people (including my husband) were concerned that I was serious. However, I really do have the contact info so if you would like to try out, message me and I’ll pass your info along.
According to the old “first pet and street name” formula, I am Lady Thompson, but I think that’s to figure out your stripper name. I’m afraid I can’t be on reality TV because I have a nervous tic that makes me throat-punch anyone who follows me with a camera. But I will totally watch your show every day, and if you like you can try out my trashy reality show catch phrase, “You’s crazy on a cracker.” Or you can say something I say in real life, like, “Well, shiver me biscuits!” (in terrible British accent) which might be one of the real reasons I don’t let people follow me with cameras.
HAHAHA! Thanks for the laugh! How about a YouTube reality show where we say things in weird accents and give each other dirty looks?
Awesome entry! You made me laugh! The tutu….yes.
I don’t have a stage name, but I DID muse–once–about how my name would sound if I were introduced by Johnny Carson (please don’t tell me you’re too young to remember who he was, or someone will have to put me down…) on the old “Tonight Show”:
“Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome…Bruuuuce WermuTH!!!!” …… *Silence* ….He tries again…
“BAH–ROOOOSE …WermuTHHHH! …… *nothing* “…….
“WermuTHHHHH!!!! ……*awkward pause* ” ……THHHHH…..thhhhhhh…..th…” *I’m still backstage* ……..
“We’ll be right back after these messages…”
Might just as well have him spit out a big raspberry to button off the name–what was the difference? I decided right then and there I was destined never to be introduced on national television.
Thank you! Don’t let the tutu fool you…I’m plenty old enough to remember Johnny Carson! Hahaha….Wermuth would definitely be changed to rhyme with vermouth, and then Johnny might add an extra syllable or two. Then it would be a great stage name!
Ha, yes! You are so astute!
One of my brothers actually already gave up on correcting mispronunciations and succumbed to pronouncing it as if rhyming with vermouth, just as you had suggested.
Even better: Another brother actually changes the spelling of his last name to “vermouth” and uses it as a producer’s name. I kid you not! Behold:
http://www.ideorg.org/OurStory/StaffBoard.aspx
Scroll down to the staff picture fourth from the bottom of the page. That is my brother!
Cool organization! And, yes, Vermouth is easier to pronounce, although you could never be an orchestra director at a Pentecostal church…
I confess, my stage name throughout college was Tabitha Bloom. So much more glamorous than my “acknowledge your Welsh heritage” name Sian. Let’s face it, I couldn’t even get a job in radio with a name like that! Anyway, Tabitha Bloom had plenty of unpaid for magazine subscriptions and disappointed suitors in the 80s – those poor hopeful boys were given fake phone numbers as well….
I like using Tabitha’s persoana as well, especially when I order fancy non-fat double Valium lattes at Starbucks…
Sian (a.k.a Tabitha Bloom)
Hahaha! I’ve never thought of Tabitha as a stage name. It’s very British sounding to me, but I like it! I’ll have to remember to use my stage name when I order double crack cocaine mocha cappuccinos, cut the cappuccino.
Yeah, according to the stripper rule, I’m Duffy Laplace. And, that is a pretty good reality show name, I do believe!
Yes, that is a good stage name! I didn’t know about the stripper name rule until y’all told me, but mine would be Flower Turkey Ranch Road. Not so hot, huh?
I used to provide customer service for annuities over the phone, please, try not to swoon from the glamour of it all. I speak kind of fast and my intro: “Thank you for calling S********, my name is Tara Swinchatt, how can I help you?” was regularly misinterpreted. One day someone said, “Paris Winter? What a great name.” I said, “no, but if I ever go on stage, that is the name I will adopt.” So my stage name is Paris Winter. Which I think would be awesome for a reality show, if I thought reality shows were awesome, which I don’t. They are actually one of the reasons I cancelled my cable and no longer watch TV. If I didn’t think that all participants should be allowed to remove themselves from the gene pool, I might feel bad for them on account of allowing themselves to be so humiliated.