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Emergency Alert! Best Gift for the Safety of Your Family!

I found something we all need for the protection of our loved ones, but I don’t want you to think I’m going overboard.  I mean, I try not to be an overprotective, helicopter mom.  My kids have independence; they get up on their own for school and take responsibility for their homework.  They have as much freedom as any other suburban kids.  However, I’ve taken the typical precautions.  I’m just a normal mom who has warned my children about the potential detriments lurking in almost every negative scenario or so I thought.

For reference, I made this handy Action and Consequence table for my kids:

Crossing street w/out looking Hit by car, causing broken legs or instant death
Falling down stairs               Broken neck
Drunk driving Wreck, death of others, embarrassing news story
Bear attack Head ripped apart
Sex Gonorrhea
Not doing homework Homelessness
Cooking without supervision House fire
Eating & walking at same time Choking on carrot and death
Not getting enough sleep Pneumonia, death by senseless accident
Drugs Horrible teeth followed by gang murder
Failure to wash hands Staph infection, flu, pneumonia
Unsafe internet surfing Computer viruses and stalking by pedophiles
Walking without shoes Tetanus or some kind of worm found in pigs
Being rude to friends Every mother in the suburb will talk about you
Food in room, general filth Roaches crawling on you at night, peer rejection
Carelessness w/ pocket knife Amputated finger which will be eaten by wild animal
Airsoft guns in the house Loss of eye(s)
Chapped lips Lip infection, rejection by peers
Descending into mine shaft Contact with dead bodies, crushed by falling rock
Excessive video gaming Transformation into loser, epilepsy
Liquid near any computer Ridicule and punishment by parents

That’s the first page of many, but you get the idea.

I just ran across a book that is truly a necessity for any careful parent.  You should buy this book for the loved ones in your life: Never Smile at a Monkey: And 17 Other Important Things to Remember.  Apparently there is a whole realm of animals out there just waiting to kill us!  I was unaware of several of these threatening animals, and therefore unable to warn my children—until now.

This book will shore up your children's knowledge of horrid consequences.

Here’s a summary: “When it comes to wild animals, everyone knows that there are certain things you just don’t do. It’s clearly a bad idea to tease a tiger, pull a python’s tail, or bother a black widow spider. But do you know how dangerous it can be to pet a platypus, collect a cone shell, or touch a tang fish? Some creatures have developed unusual ways of protecting themselves or catching prey, and this can make them unexpectedly hazardous to your health.
In this dynamic and fascinating picture book by Steve Jenkins, you’ll find out what you should never do if you encounter one of these surprisingly dangerous animals.”

Page  14: “NEVER jostle a jellyfish.  A box jellyfish, that is. Most jellyfish can sting people, but the box jellyfish, also known as a sea wasp, is in a class by itself.  Even the smallest contact with its stinging tentacles causes intense pain. If you are unlucky enough to become really entangled with a box jellyfish, you can die very quickly.”

Be afraid: jellyfish are deadlier than you probably thought.

Buy this book for Christmas, if you can wait that long.  Did I mention that you’ll find it in the children’s section?  Houghton Mifflin is very concerned with your child’s well-being.

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  1. My children will benefit greatly because you have chosen to share this list. I need you to post the rest of the pages.

    • I’m so sorry I’m just now responding to this! Yes, I need to type up and post the rest of the warning pages. It should probably be a government-issued manual or something, although I’m pretty sure one of the warnings is “Don’t entirely trust the government.” Dang it!

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