Fourth funniest blog on the web

Really! A Reality TV Show Starring You and Steven Wigley III

When you were little—or maybe yesterday—did you dream of what your stage name would be if you were a Hollywood actor or actress?  I remember being surprised when I found out that actors sometimes went by fake names and that it was totally accepted.  When I was 10, I fantasized about my Hollywood persona.  Stretch pants, cool hats, braces, bigger hair, and the name Tina was what I desired.  It was so teenager-y!  And it makes for really horrible imagery now.

If I broke a limb, that would be even better for my career because there was nothing cooler than signed casts and, if you were lucky enough, crutches.  My BFF and I used to jump out of my grandma’s trees hoping to land wrong and shatter bones, but we were never able to join the ranks of those with plastered arms and legs.  It’s so sad when dreams die.  If fate had been on my side, I could have been the famous, slightly immobile, Tina McTeenager, living in LA down the street from Molly Ringwald.

Tina McTeenager

This is Tina McTeenager in Los Angeles. See how happy I could have been? For the fake braces, I used wire from the garage. Now I have mouth lesions, but that's how dedicated I am to y'all. Also, I forced my son take this picture, and it finally dawned on me why he doesn't want me to chaperone his activities.

 

Anyway, no sense dwelling on what could have been.  Now in real life I’m involved in a women’s club that puts on fundraisers for charity.  I’m even the Communications Chair for the group, which makes me a real fancy-pants.  Through the women’s club email address, our group was contacted a couple of weeks ago by a Hollywood TV producer who is casting for a reality show!

Here’s part of the email: (We’re)…developing a new docu-series for a Major Cable Network that will explore the dynamic lifestyles of strong-willed and well-to-do women of the church. These women are known in their community for the work that they do, and most of all for their BIG PERSONALITIES. They throw parties and charity functions, love to socialize and be in the public eye, but no matter what, God, family and their church always comes first! These women are also physically beautiful, and are most likely in their late 20’s to early 40’s.

My first thought: There is no way anybody I know would do this.  It sounds so Housewives, and the show will make everyone look like hypocrites.  Who wants to be embarrassed on tv?  NOBODY.  I laughed about it with everyone I saw over the next couple of weeks.  And we dared each other to call.

I thought that there was no way I’m trashy enough to do anything like reality tv, and then I was like, “Yes, I am!”  And somehow I got talked into calling the producer and telling her I was interested.  The conversation was much less salacious than I’d hoped.  I wanted her to divulge juicy show details on the phone so I could blog about it, but she was disappointingly normal.  I told her up-front that I’m a “silly humor blogger” and “not glamorous,” which were the wrong things to admit if I wanted my chance in Hollywood.  She did say that if I could round up several friends in my local area who are interested, that would improve our chances.

By a stroke of fate, my cousin’s phone got messed up yesterday and assigned my picture to another name.  On FACEBOOK!  That’s so cable-series appropriate!  It’s like Hollywood finally spoke to me and revealed the name that will bring me fame:

Stephen Wigley III.

Tall Curly Biscuit, humor blogger, as Steven Wigley III, my Hollywood stage name

Does this say "serious actress" to you?

 

So now I have three questions for you:

  1. What’s your stage name?
  2. Do you want to be on reality tv?
  3. What will your trashy reality show catch phrase be?

If there’s one thing we can do together, it might not be solving world hunger or bringing back Full House.  But I think we can land this reality tv show, y’all.

With love,

Steven Wigley III
blogger, Facebooker, actress

 

*Disclaimer: Please don’t Facebook request Steven Wigley III ’cause it’s not me. I have no idea who this guy is. I hope he has a sense of humor, though.

**Update to this post: Just to clarify, I’m not really going to try out for this reality tv show.  I thought that proclaiming my stage name as Steven Wigley III would have made that obvious, but certain people (including my husband) were concerned that I was serious.  However, I really do have the contact info so if you would like to try out, message me and I’ll pass your info along.

 

The 4th funniest blog on the web!

What Would Teachers Do? Elementary School…Edgier Than Ever, Thanks to Me!

On behalf of fools everywhere, I owe an apology, especially to the parents at my daughter’s school.  Just when I thought I could work with kids—teaching Sunday school was starting to sound really fun—I go and prove that I should not be responsible for any children but my own and those whose parents are already aware of my idiocy.

For the end-of-year party for 4th grade, I was partly in charge of a karaoke-type Singing Bee station where the kids would sing along with music and song lyrics for a bit.  Then we’d turn off the music, take away the lyrics, and see if they could get the next line.  Sounds simple enough, right?

I spent a lot of time on the playlist, probably about three hours.  I had to be particular with song choices so that we’d exemplify solid moral values and not offend parents.  Kidz Bop and was not an option because apparently that’s the least-cool thing ever, so I started with a group of about 25 Top Forty songs, most of which are even played in P.E. at school, and I narrowed it down from there.  If it had questionable themes: CUT.  If I heard the word sexy: CUT.  If most kids wouldn’t recognize the chorus: CUT.  I thought about including Weird Al Yankovic songs, but Fat would surely send all the 4th grade girls over the edge into the pit of eating disorders, and White and Nerdy is inappropriate because nerds come in all colors.  I was left with 13 songs for kids to choose from.  One song on my iTunes list denoted that I had the “clean” version, so I made a special note to check those lyrics once I printed them out.  Done!  Song choices and lyrics printed, “clean” song checked for dirty lyrics, offending lyrics marked out.  Ready to go!

Day of the party: Kids love this!  They’re rockin’ out to pop music and singing in groups.  I’m dancing and singing along with them on the choruses because I know these songs, too.  Heard ‘em all a million times!  It’s so much fun hanging with 4th graders!  Yes, I should definitely work with children more often.  Imagine all the wonderful things they could learn from me…the creative methods I’ll use to teach them about everything super-important in life.  Kids are awesome, and they totally love me and the other moms running this station!  We’re affecting the lives of these little sponges, and I may have just changed a girl’s life by complementing her hair.  She had low self-esteem until that very moment.  Think of how influential I could be as a teacher!

And then a kid picked Party Rock Anthem.  You’ve probably heard this song before.  It’s catchy.  Party rock is in the house tonight, Everybody just have a good time!  It’s also important to know that I held the pages of lyrics directly in front of the kids during this entire process.  We were outside in 30 mile-per-hour wind, so I did not let anyone else control my clipboard of loose paper.  I put the pages right in front of their faces, as in “Read this.”  Yeah, well here’s the first verse, which a group of boys read/sung at the top of their lungs, just like the clipboard commanded:

In the club party rock, lookin’ for your girl,
She on my jock (huh) non stop when we in the spot
Booty move weight like she owns the block
Where I drank I gots to know
Tight jeans, tattoos cause I’m rock and roll
Half black half white, domino
Gain the money Oprah Doe!
Yo!
I’m running through these hoes like Drano
I got that devilish flow rock and roll no halo
We party rock yea! that’s the crew that I’m repping
On a rise to the top no Led in our Zeppelin
Hey!

Hmm.  I never noticed the hoes or anybody on a jock before.  In addition to the hoes, I was worried that some kid would ask parents what a domino is, and everyone would collectively wonder if that’s an offensive term or not.  Anyway, from then on we stopped the song before it ever got to the verse, which meant the kids could only hear and guess words in the first 20 seconds of the catchy intro.  I don’t think the kids understood most of the inappropriate lyrics before we stopped playing that part, so crisis mostly averted.  *If they ask, the verse is about the rousing domino game of chickenfoot and gardening implements.

Play on!  Until we got to Stereo Hearts by Gym Class Heroes and Adam Levine, which you have also probably heard.  I thought that song was totally clean.  I’ve heard it a million times.  Well, let me be the first to inform you that there’s a big ol’ f-bomb right in the middle of the first verse.  I finally noticed the word when my very own daughter was singing the song and I read over her shoulder.  However, several other kids had already sung that song before her.  I guess they were smart enough to skip over or mumble through the word so that I never heard it.  Can you imagine what it would be like to have a parent holding that in front of you at an elementary school party like you were supposed to read it?  Most of the kids would get their mouths washed out with soap if they said it at home.  None of the 4th graders pointed it out, and I have no idea how many of them I exposed to a parent-sanctioned f-bomb.  Hey, kids, this frat party was brought to you by the Parent Teacher Organization!  The PTO is edgier than ever!

I’m sorry, kids; I’m sorry, parents.  And, God, you have shown me through your mysterious ways that I am probably not cut out for teaching Sunday school.  I currently serve in the church choir, where someone else is smart enough to check the hymn lyrics for f-bombs before we sing.

Amen.  And if your kid was exposed to this verbal sexual reference and you are forced to have the talk, I advise you to read my article The Birds and the Bees: How NOT to Talk to Your Kid About Sex.  You know, if you still want to listen to me and such.  Think of all that I can teach you!

The 4th funniest blog on the web!

Questionable Judgement: Products and Marketing Gone Wrong

Hello, Dear Readers!

Monkey mug full of Stash hot tea on humor blog Tall Curly Biscuit

As I sit here with a monkey mug full of my 4th serving of hot tea for the day, I’m questioning everything that’s transpired over the past two weeks.  Should I have insisted that my daughter perform her comedy routine in the school talent show even though she didn’t feel good?  No.  I thought she was just nervous or had constipation, but she ended up in urgent care that night.  However, she gave a slammin’ performance despite suffering what turned out to be a severe infection.  High five, stage-moms everywhere!  Should I be more prepared for power outages?  Yes.  Should I have attempted to kill a snake with a hand-held jigsaw?  No.  Do my dreams about blood-sucking vampires mean anything?  I hope not.

I’ve also come across some debatable products and marketing services recently, and I’m asking your opinion.  We can question everything together.  First, take a look at this condom box.  This brand has been around long enough for almost everyone to recognize it.

Magnum condom box featured on humor blog

Condoms from the Shades of Grey cart staging adventure

Now check out this ad:

Magnum ice cream bar image on humor blog

I hope they don’t pass out ice cream bars in my son’s high school level health class next year.

I wonder if anyone in the ice cream bar marketing department realized that their new campaign was eerily similar to the condom branding.  If so, I would’ve loved to have been in those meetings.  If they did it on purpose, and I think so, I have a request to make other mundane products sexier.  Think of what turning Magnum could do for oatmeal!  Heart disease prevention has never been more exciting!  Thoughts?

Sexy Magnum Quaker Oatmeal Log for Humor Blog

 

Next, let’s explore the possibility of applying mathematical formulas to shorts in order to prevent sagging butt cheek exposure.  I think that shorts should not be sold if the diameter of the waistband measures two times or more than the length of the shorts.  How do you feel about this?

Mathematical formula applied to short shorts on humor blog

Please make wise decisions.

 

Finally, I urge the people of Gap to stop smoking crack.  They’re trying to get women to show our cracks with hideous one-piece, semi-backless jumpsuits.  This product should never be sold at Gap, never in denim, and never in any size above small.  How unflattering can you get, Gap?  However, I do owe Gap thanks for providing me and my mom a good laugh.

Semi-backless jumpsuit from Gap is hideous.

For only $89.95 (sale price!) you can have this jumpsuit. Thanks to my mom for taking these pics. She was very worried that other customers would think I was buying this.

 

*Bonus question: What is Target trying to sell with “durable lace?”

Panties from Target say "new soft durable lace."

My friend V says it's so that "if the friction gets high, your panties won't fly."

What have you come across that should not be sold or has a questionable marketing campaign?  Besides Oklahoma tourism, of course.  Just kidding, I’m going there in July.

**Bonus statement: While I’m questioning judgement, I’d like to brag that Robyn at Hollow Tree Ventures, who is one cool chick I totally plan on meeting in real life at a blog conference some day and wreaking havoc with, has nominated me for TWO blog awards, the Lovely Blogger Award AND the Liebster Award!  Wohoo!  I only questioned her judgement for a second before deciding to pretend that I totally deserve these awards.  Thanks, Robyn, for being the first to award my greatness!  I feel honored to be nominated by you and your funny blog!

***Bonus warning: (We had a lot to catch up on.) I’m a wanted cart staging criminal according to this picture, so now I can mark that off the bucket list without having to go through with any future evil plans!

Wanted poster for Tall Curly Biscuit, humor blogger.

This comes from the president of my fan club who also happens to be my aunt. Thank you, J! By the way, she's the only one who can call me "doughy." You've been warned.

 

All signs of good judgement are gone; I’m creating an new award called the Magnum Award.  More details to come!

The 4th funniest blog on the web!

Updates and TCB’s First YouTube Video

Hello, peeps!

Thanks for all the hilarious comments on the Shades of Grey/Cart Staging post!  Y’all made me laugh!  The best comment on Facebook comes from Marcy: “I was curious as to what my friend was on about and decided to read the book myself. I downloaded it to my kindle and started reading. I kept waiting for the “good” part to no avail. It was interesting—I never knew about all the Lithuanians that had been sent to labor camps in Siberia–but what of all the hubbub? Turns out “Between Shades of Gray” is an entirely different book! Entirely different!”

From Bruce in the comments: “I can hear it now, coming over the loudspeaker at Target: ‘S&M cleanup on aisle 4….’”  And Imelda on Twitter called cart staging a “new extreme suburban sport.”

I love all my readers!  Thanks for the comments and the social media love!

So have y’all been getting overloaded with political mailers and marketing calls like we have at my house?  My husband started laughing today at how it would be awesome if local politicians stopped dancing around the edge of nastiness and just got downright ferocious.  So we spent the evening making our first-ever video.

The following is a TOTALLY FAKE political ad about SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT EXIST.  Also, it uses PG-13 language, so make sure your kids are out of the room.  I have no idea if this is funny to anyone else besides me and my husband — it’s his harsh and judgmental tone of voice that really gets me going and makes me crack up.

I’d love to see your cart staging photos or fake political ads! Please email me at ang@tallcurlybiscuit.com or post links to Facebook or Twitter.  Because if you are as cool as we are, this is what you do with your Friday nights.

The 4th funniest blog on the web!

The Moon, That Certain Book about Grey, and New Performance Art

I have a few friends and acquaintances who are doctors, nurses, and psychiatrists.  They swear that a full moon brings out the weirdest cases.  When the moon is beaming in all its glory, more babies are born, patients come in with strange and exciting injuries, and the mentally unstable become even more erratic.  I believe that it really does affect us, and last weekend there was a supermoon, which was even bigger and brighter than normal.  My mom posted something funny on Facebook: “If the moon is 14% bigger and 30% brighter, does that mean that people will act 14-30% crazier?”

Yes.  The answer is yes.  I, for one, cried off and on for no reason during the entire sewing and construction of a new curtain for my laundry room (4 hours?) and ate a pound of Havarti cheese in one night, which I definitely wouldn’t have done during a waning gibbous or a waxing crescent.

Funny, this moon made me cry and eat.

I like to blame my actions on the moon.

Thank goodness the supermoon is gone, and I’m back to eating smaller amounts of string cheese and crying only during bowel movements.

After the moon weirdness, I had just what I needed today— a fantastic lunch with dear friends.  It cheered me right up.  We got so loud that the restaurant pulled a partition around us.  We might have laughed a little too heartily at anything, but we had especially good fodder today: a couple of ladies in our party had recently finished the book trilogy Fifty Shades of Grey.

If you are alive right now, you’ve probably heard about the books since they currently hold the top three spots on the New York Times Bestseller list, but you may not know what they’re about.  I need to inform you immediately: it’s racy mommy porn to the extreme.  I haven’t read the books, but I hear the series is quite, umm, hard-core and contains lots of bondage action.  Some women have described it as Twilight for grownups — grownups who like s&m.  If you don’t know about this series, you might be living in a cocoon.  It’s so popular that when a friend walked into Target and said, “I’m looking for this book,…” the sassy cashier cut her off by putting his hand up like, stop right there, girl, and led her directly to the Fifty Shades of Grey section.

It’s important to be aware of the content of these books so you don’t do something like my other friend did.  She thought the books were just your regular ol’ candy-for-your-brain bestsellers with tame romance and mild longing between a girl and a vampire/werewolf/hunter.  She told her family that she’d like the books for her birthday, so her husband took their five kids WITH PIGGY BANKS IN HAND to buy the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy.  I can only imagine the cashier’s horror when the bright-eyed little family Von Trapp (‘cause they look straight out of The Sound of Music) plopped these hard-core sex books onto the counter.  My friend is appropriately horrified and just hopes that the older kids didn’t read the book jacket.

It was the mental image of an uncomfortable cashier that prompted me and said friends to go to Target today and gather a Fifty Shades basket full of goodies and dare each other to walk through the check-out with all of it.  Lingerie, the three books, lube, a tie, condoms…we even looked for toy handcuffs, but Target has replaced their violent dramatic play aisle with learning toys.  America’s gone soft, y’all.

Our funny cart staging performance art based on Fifty Shades of Grey

Every basket tells a story.

We wondered if Target managers would kick out four suburban women, even though two of us were wearing ladies-who-lunch dresses.  Anyway, after much debate, we decided that instead of checking out we would leave the basket in a fortuitous aisle for someone to stumble upon.  We chose the red wine section, of course.

We left our funny cart staging basket inspired by Shades of Grey in the wine isle.

We felt this was a good deed because we either made someone laugh or saved them time when planning the next Date Night.

We had a fabulous time with this new hobby we call cart staging.  I was just saying on my Facebook page that I need a new hobby, so this is perfect.  We plan to create dramatic scenes that will make imaginations run wild, all within the confines of a shopping basket.  Hey, this is beginning to sound like high-falutin’ performance art, people.  Can I get a grant, please?  I can’t promise any regularly scheduled cart staging stories, but maybe we can aim for one every other waxing gibbous moon or something.

So my Kindle is charging, and I have a question: How much chain-whipping does it take to burn off a pound of Havarti?

***Also, some details of this story have been changed to protect the innocent.  In fact, I don’t actually have friends, probably because I cry and sew simultaneously.  I didn’t even know these people prior to lunch, but when I approached a random grouping of suburban lunching ladies about s&m books and a Target trip, they totally went for it.

The 4th funniest blog on the web!
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Tall Curly Biscuit and the Annals of Whizdumb: The 4th funniest blog on the web!