Fourth funniest blog on the web

Welcome to Tall Curly Biscuit, the 4th funniest blog on the web. The best thing about having the word “Biscuit” in my blog title is that I no longer have to think about how to spell biscuit. This little blog is for all the folks who believe laughter makes the world go ’round.

Feel Like a Rich Girl: It’s the Little Space-Age Things that Matter

I’m not sure where I currently rank on the official class warfare scale that somebody seems to keep track of, although I’m holding out hope that the $1.27 I earn per month from Google Ads will pick up pace. As a kid, I usually felt rich enough because I was happy. My family had everything we needed and more; we had lots of fun, and I’ve never been hungry.

Fact: Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies expand in your stomach to coat every corner with trans fats, so I was always full.

***Disclaimer: My mother is a fantastic cook, and she’ll be ticked if I make it sound like we only ate Little Debbies. I just like to make fun of how much I used to love them. Carry on***

There were times when I thought we were absolutely loaded. If my mom bought me a new outfit or two, AND we went to Funland with friends, AND we hit the Chinese buffet with the family…oh my gosh. We were RICH!

And there were times I felt poor. It didn’t happen often, but I specifically remember the disappointment when my mom refused to buy ACT Fluoride Rinse with the super cool self-measuring dispenser. She bought it once and then never again. I don’t know why she wouldn’t get it—maybe I splashed it everywhere and it was a real pain—but I must have thought that she wouldn’t buy it because it was too expensive. Maybe she said I didn’t need it; it was an extra. Poor little me. All the rich kids like on tv shows probably had ACT, but not me.

I’m sure there are things that I do or don’t do that make my kids feel poor. Someday in the future they’ll probably complain about how I would never spring for individually packaged snack crackers.

Pure drudgery: my daughter putting pretzels in individual bags.

My underprivileged children have to bag their own pretzels. Such drudgery, and these containers barely fit in her Vera Bradley backpack.

So, now that I’m grown up, you know what one of the highlights of my day is? Every morning and night, after I’ve been a good girl and brushed my teeth properly, I get to squeeze that space-age bottle of ACT, listen to the slurp as the excess mouthwash automatically goes back in, turn the whole bottle upside down while only the pre-measured amount comes out (thrills me every time!), and swish that sweet liquid around my mouth. Sometimes I swirl it around in there for 5 or 10 minutes while I put laundry away or something. Just like Scrooge McDuck swims in his gold coins, my teeth soak in the top-shelf fluoride.

I always keep two bottles on hand at home. I’ve also got one at my parents’ house and one at my in-laws’ so I can enjoy ACT in all its self-measuring glory with minimal travel interruptions.

ACT fluoride rinse is a miracle of modern engineering.

Scientists are still studying this miracle of modern engineering.

So you can imagine my dismay today when my local store did not have it in a self-measuring dispenser. They only had ACT in a normal bottle, which is no fun at all. I immediately emailed the company with a note to “Please respond ASAP!” Within one hour they assured me that they are still manufacturing it in the self-measuring dispenser. (It’s from their email that I know it’s called a self-measuring dispenser; otherwise I’d be referring to it as that thingamabob on top.)

Thank goodness I can continue to buy my fluoride treat with the Mr. Gadget top and feel like a rich girl! I meanI don’t even look at the price before I put it in my basket. If they didn’t have ACT the way I like it, I might have been forced to do something more drastic, like buying individually wrapped snacks, opening them all, and mixing them in a bowl together. And then maybe I would swim in those snack crackers.

I’m glad we can share feelings like this.

Judgment: Quantity over Quality is Way Better

Last weekend I had to take an online personality test. I’m on the board of a volunteer organization, and the president requested that all of us fill one out because it has something to do with our next meeting. I guess it says something about my personality that I stayed home on a Friday night to do this kind of stuff.

It didn’t take very long because I flew through all the questions. I had to decide if each statement was very like me, somewhat like me, neutral, not like me, or very not like me.  Since they were all repetitive and I was in a hurry, I only marked something as a “very” if something specific stuck out in my memory.

For instance, for all the questions that basically asked if I thought a lot about decisions, weighed pros and cons, or was a careful person, I marked “very.” I answered that way because I immediately thought about how I’ve debated over paint options for my kitchen table for months now.

And I’m super careful; some might even use the word paranoid. I remembered how a couple of weeks ago we went out to a remote state park to get away from the city lights and see the stars. My husband was out of town so the kids and I went with a friend and her family. Since I was in the role of “preparer for the wilderness” I gathered up all the necessary supplies one would need when stargazing on the open prairie: blankets, bug spray, Dr. Pepper, popcorn, Twizzlers, and a very large kitchen knife.

Like my children, you may be wondering why we needed a huge kitchen knife.  It was for protection against snakes and robbers, duh. I grew up across from Rattlesnake Hill and once had a scary encounter with a knife-wielding hoodlum in a city park, so I knew we couldn’t go out unarmed.

I'm gonna step on this snake's head and kill him.

I could even imagine myself stepping on a rattlesnake’s head on our adventure. Then a kid would fetch the knife out of the car, and I’d cut that snake’s head clean off. I’d be the hero, and my friend would just be standing there shaking and know that she was indebted to me forever. And all the world would know of my glory.


240 repetitive questions later, I got the results of the personality test. It said that my number one strength was my judgment. I was like, “heck, yeah!” I make one good decision after another, and that’s why my life isn’t in the toilet like all those people on reality tv.

I gloated in my superior wisdom and safety consciousness until I remembered the other part about the stargazing adventure: I completely forgot to bring flashlights or money. But I brought the knife. I wasn’t prepared for reality at all, unless that reality involved criminals or poisonous snakes. My brain was filled with dreams of Twizzlers and slashings, and I forgot all else.

This made me question the whole legitimacy of any survey that would tell me I had good judgment. Of course anyone with poor judgment probably thinks their skills are the best, or they wouldn’t keep making the same decisions. The entire premise of the survey must be flawed.

I told my husband about this, and he noted that the survey did not necessarily tell me that I had good judgment—just that I used lots of it no matter how poor it may be.

Phew! What a relief! Everything is okay with the survey.

AND, I found out my brain is like the Walmart of decisions: I feature quantity over quality.*


*I’ll be out next week due to an expected case of lead and nickel poisoning.


The Assassination of Junie B. Jones

Hello, Dear Readers!

Today I get to participate in a fun activity started and run by the super hilarious blogger Ninja Mom. It’s the Character Assassination Carousel, where writers make fun of children’s books! Woohoo!

I’m inspired by a paper I found in my son’s backpack last year — he created a fake book jacket for one of his school novels, Watership Down. It’s classic heroic fantasy novel about rabbits, so of course he hated it.

He wrote these reviews:

The worst jumble of words to ever be barfed onto paper.” –The New York Times Book Review

Fine, the book’s great. Just put the gun down!” –Scholastic Publishers

Have you ever dreaded reading that book to your child? Perhaps it’s an extra long and detailed account of Cinderella, and, although you love spending time with your little one, you can only think about how you really need to take a dump and want to play Words with Friends, maybe even at the same time.

Other times your child wants a story with such an annoying character that you’d rather the book disappear forever.

My book nemesis is Junie B. Jones. Junie B. is supposed to be funny, but sometimes I want to lock her in a closet.

image of Junie B. Jones Smells Something Fishy

Junie B. makes me cringe.

She’s mean to other kids, so I want to be mean to her. Or laugh at her and join in with making fun of the other kids — I’m not sure. Just another reason I’m not a teacher. Junie B. does not bring out the best in me. She calls kids names, talks about how she can beat them up, and says rude and sassy things to everyone, including adults. I’m not sure if I love her or hate her.

But worst of all, she uses terrible grammar. Every time we used to read a Junie B. Jones book, I had to stop every 5 lines or so to correct her grammar. Here’s an example of Junie’s narration: “Then she quick handed me the jar. And she runned right out of the room.”

Arrghh! My kids were already disadvantaged when it came to spelling because we lived in the deep and dirty south — around people with heavy accents — for quite a while. When my daughter entered kindergarten, she thought that “thing” was spelled “thang” because that’s how she pronounced it. It was cute, but I could just imagine her college essay: “I want to contribute to the research center of this university science department more than anythang.” I didn’t need my impressionable children saying “runned” too. (My computer’s spell checker is about to have a heart attack.)

Junie B. is funny, but she lets her freak flag fly high. In Junie B. Jones Smells Something Fishy, she can’t decide what to bring for her class Pet Day. At her family’s suggestions, she considers ants and worms but finally decides on the perfect pet: a fish stick. Yes, a breaded, frozen fish stick was her pet for Pet Day. That’s strange, and I think she needs a private school for either geniuses or special ed. I’m not sure about that girl.

This makes more sense when you read about the author — she’s odd. In an author interview on, Barbara Park discussed her most recent picture book. Here’s how she describes the book:

“It’s called, MA! There’s Nothing to Do Here! It’s about a baby in utero who is bored out of his mind…The idea for it was born (so to speak) when my daughter-in-law, Renee, invited me to my first grandson’s ultrasound…On the way out of the doctor’s office, I remember thinking, Okay, so now we’re all going back to our busy lives. But the baby is still in there just floating around. Except for an occasional kick or hiccup, he’s got absolutely nothing to do.”

You can’t make this stuff up, folks. When I read about that picture book, I quick runned in the opposite direction.

Just kidding, Barbara! It sounds great. Just put the gun down.

Read more in the Character Assassination Carousel! Last week: Bethany at Bad Parenting Moments ridicules The Rainbow Fish. Coming next week: Domestic Goddess at The Underachiever’s Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess.

New Trend in Body Hair Grooming

Happy birthday to Warren Buffett. I saw that in the newspaper today; I don’t know him personally, just in case you were wondering if I had access to his billions.

In other publications, such as the People 100 Most Influential Whatever, I noticed that Buffett has impressive eyebrows. They’re like caterpillars that are cute and cuddly and practically beg me to pick them up, but I don’t because those are probably the poisonous ones.

Also, everyone in Texas has been talking about J.R. Ewing’s eyebrows on the new-ish tv show Dallas. Radio hosts tell jokes like, “I love the new character on Dallas.”

“Which one?”

“J.R.’s eyebrows!”


In case you’ve missed the spectacle, here’s a picture:

JR Ewing's eyebrows have a swirl at the end that appears to be gelled.

Does he use gel or mousse on those babies?


So I think this is the new symbol of power for older men—or anyone, really—who can achieve the look. With enough hair products and training, you too can harness the power of the brow. Check out this man, straight from the Paris runways:

This man has eyebrows that project in three directions: up, out, and away from his face.

Just kidding. He was on a connecting flight from Atlanta.


What do you think of the big brows? Does the extra hair make one more powerful? Can long, upward brows give you lift, like wings? Have you noticed any new body hair trends?


A Phone Conversation with My Mom and a Bangs-Induced 80s Flashback

The following is how I remember a recent phone conversation with my mother.

Me: I cut some bangs on Tuesday. Well, had them cut. The stylist did it.

Mom: What? You’re joking. You did not do that.

Me: Yeah, I really did. They look cute, I think. They’re long and to the side, not the straight-across bangs.

Mom: You didn’t, did you? Why would you cut bangs? You’re joking. No, no, no, no, no.

Me: Yes, I really did. I thought it would be fun to have some long, swoopy bangs like the 20 year olds I’ve seen around town. <— true wisdom

Mom (laughing incredulously): But you have curly hair!

Me: But the bangs aren’t curly—they’re straighter.

Mom: Are they flat against your head? How does that work? You have CURLY HAIR. This sounds weird.

Me: No, they’re not flat. They’re poofy.

Mom: Like the 80s??? What? Why would you do that, especially before Fashion’s Night Out??? (She’s helping with a charity event associated with it, and I’m going too.)

Me: I think it looks fine. They’re long, side bangs. It must not be that different from my normal hair. I’ve had them for a week and nobody has even really noticed.

Mom: What do you mean nobody has noticed? You cut BANGS.

Me: Nobody has said anything about it at all.

Mom (laughing): Maybe it’s because your hair looks so hideous, nobody wanted to comment. They learned from their mothers that if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

Me (chuckling nervously because I realize she’s right): That’s a good point. But Andy said he likes them, and the kids do too.

Mom: Let me talk to them.

So, that’s my mom. We’re honest with each other. I once told her to burn the dress she had on because I thought it was so ugly. She likes to bring that up.

Update: Andy called me from the other room, and I yelled back, “HOLD ON, I’M FIXING MY BANGS!” And it was like some Disney magic transported me back to 4th grade, and I put on these earrings:

Closeup of my awesome orange slice earring from 1988. They go with my bangs.

Fashion's Night Out circa 1987, here I come!

Oh, and don’t worry, y’all. Until my bangs grow out, I have all this totally awesome late 80s adolescent costume jewelry to choose from:

My bad earring collection from the late 80s.

I kind of feel like a hoarder right now. Did you keep stuff like this? Please make me feel better and admit it.

Wohoo! Now, relax and go back to the time when you heard the name Tom Cruise and thought of Top Gun. You’re welcome.
Page 3 of 1312345...10...Last »