If you are like me then you acquired most of your sexual knowledge from watching The Golden Girls and PBS specials on insect mating rituals. Oh, and I mustn’t forget the rape mysteries on Dateline—my family watched lots of horrific news programs. Together these shows made me distrustful of men, enlightened about elderly impotence, and strangely aroused by antennae. Just kidding about one of those.
Anyway, it comes as no surprise that when I saw an article about fruit fly shagging, I was intrigued. Calm down—there is no scientific breakthrough in “doing it” rituals, but this study may help explain alcohol consumption in humans.
Scientists—clearly perverted ones—just kidding—sounds like a fun job—studied male fruit flies’ responses to being sexually rejected by female flies. In the study, some females had just boinked another dude and some females were dead. The gals who had just gotten a little somethin’ put up a big fight with the new males. The dead ones just laid there. (Guys, insert your dumb marriage joke here.)
Both the males who were in with the fighting, previously-porked females and the males who were in with the dead females were considered rejected in this study because they tried to mate and couldn’t. Males who had just made sweet love were the control group. Researchers found that the rejected males were much more likely to choose alcohol-laced food than males who were satisfied. The rejected males also flew towards photos of Hummers and Ed Hardy apparel.
Scientists think the study translates to human experiences. Since male fruit flies who have been sexually rejected are much more likely to drink, this could help explain human alcoholism and Indian casinos.
This study also provides a whole new reason to make fun of spring break drunkards and people from New Hampshire, who consume more alcohol per capita than people in any other state. They claim it’s because they have no sales tax on alcohol, but I think it’s because they’re compensating. Look at how New Hampshire is shaped:
We must also consider that this “study” could also be a ploy by male scientists to “prove” that we must have lots of sex or else risk living in a society of raging alcoholics.
Real science or not, let’s agree to quench our longing loins in an effort to rid the world of Ed Hardy shirts.
My hypothesis: Scientists will discover that female fruit flies who drink red wine are more likely to lay with a male, in the Biblical sense.